Well, I said I would write about what's going on with me and God and so here it is. I know my husband is interested in this topic so I'll do my best to try and make sense.
It all started in 2007. We were on that crazy tour with Tops In Blue. For those of you who don't know, here's a quick run down. Tops In Blue is considered a special assignment in the Air Force. It is like a USO tour where you get to travel all over the world to different bases and perform for the troops, you are also an ambassador for the U.S . First you have to send in a tape of yourself performing (either playing an instrument, singing, dancing, a comedy routine or whatever you do), then if they like you, they pay for you to fly out to Texas for a 10 day audition/competition. FYI Steve won first place in the instrumentalist category, his performance is on YouTube! Then if you make the team, you leave your regular job in the Air Force for a year and get to go on tour like a rock star. So Steve and I made the team and went on tour. There's a lot more that I can say about it, but I'll leave it at that for now.
So what does this have to do with God, you ask? Well jeez, hold on, I'm getting to it! So during all the "staging" which is what they call learning the show and how to perform better as well as getting in shape and learning how to go without sleep, food, showers, sleep and food. Did I mention no sleep and no food for days? Well, during that time, a lot of my fellow tour-mates would share their Christian beliefs with me. And it was fascinating. I was raised Catholic and I never ever considered changing my religion my whole life and I was not considering changing my faith at this time either. I was just educating myself on the Christian faith. It seemed like there was more to this "religion." You could have an actual personal relationship with Him and He would be there to help you out with the little things, not just the big problems. You could go to Him just to talk and thank Him for a beautiful day, not only when you were in trouble and needed to get out of a difficult situation. He wasn't too busy to talk to you everyday and He loved you no matter what! Some of these ideas were new to me and I saw how these Christians would really live their lives differently because of their faith. I heard them talk about amazing experiences they had which would only make sense if the Holy Spirit really existed and was active. And then I felt and saw those miraculous experiences in my life now that I knew how to see them and I was amazed.
So we went to the Desert also known as the Middle East to encourage the troops out there, bring a piece of "home" to them. That was the best part of the tour by the way, performing for people who actually needed it. We went to a couple of bases in Iraq, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Afghanistan and United Arab Emirates. The last base we were at was Al Dafra in UAE and it is my favorite base out there. Well that was when I had The Experience that changed my faith. God actually spoke directly to me, using Steve but I knew the words Steve spoke were coming directly from the Holy Spirit. And I can tell you that my eyes were probably about to pop out of my little head, it was amazing. This is going to sound pretty epic, but He told me that the enemy really does exist and that there is a huge spiritual battle going on right now. He gave me the choice right then to join the battle and fight against the darkness, to shine my light. He also said it wasn't going to be easy and that Christians get attacked even more than anyone else, so I can't be weak. And all I could think of was that I wanted to be on God's side and live in His light. So in the base chapel in Al Dafra, I accepted Christ and prayed, for real, for the first time in my life.
After that I started reading my Bible every day and talking about God to people and changing and growing. I would surprise Steve sometimes with the wisdom that I had come into in such a short amount of time. Which shows you that even new believers can stand up and share a message that can help others.
And we would see miracle after miracle happen and I also went through some of the roughest times in my life in 2007. I don't want to get into all the details just now, but I was in serious trouble and I was scared and felt like there was no way out. But of course, God opened the door for me and made everything better, just completely healed the situation and is still doing things to this very day to show me that I went through that for a reason and it was worth it.
So let's talk about the "now" of my faith. We are part of a church right now that is the most amazing gathering of believers I could ever imagine. A lot of recovering addicts and "broken" people and they are the greatest people I have ever met. Everyone is so real and open about their struggles, no one is pretending or hiding or being fake. No one is trying to fit into a neat little package with a bow on top and act like they are from Pleasantville. Everyone actually cares about what you are going through and prays for you and means it! No one hides what they have come from and been through or when they accidentally slip up and go back to an addiction. I have never seen anything like it.
So, it looks like I should be set right? I have accepted Christ and I have seen Him working in my life and we go to a great church. Well, that's where it gets complicated. This is the part that I get confused with. In the past few months I have just not heard from God most of the time. Yes, He has done things for us, like made money appear out of nowhere and we have not missed paying rent or our bills! But I don't feel the same like before, I don't see things like before. He used to give me images and teach me things and I'm not seeing them now. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or am I just a stupid human being to where I need to be constantly shown miracles to keep believing? I am wondering if maybe before was like God bringing me to the top of a mountain and showing me a beautiful sunset and then now I am in the valley and God is asking me to recall all of those beautiful colors from memory.
I hate being in this place, not taking anything with me from the message taught at church, not getting involved in my community, not talking to God everyday, not reading my Bible. Not growing, not being a better person everyday like my family deserves. I need to change but I have no direct inspiration, but that's probably because I haven't asked. Ha! And there it is, there is the answer. All of this writing to get to the point that all I need to do is ask God.
I feel so empty without Him. That has got to change.
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